My friend, Atul, is a straight guy. Though he finds certain guys attractive, he just doesn’t find them sexually alluring. He can look at another man and be in awe at how good-looking he is, but he wouldn’t want to sleep with him.
But, that’s not how all guys feel. To understand that figuring out one’s sexuality is a super confusing exercise, let’s understand the context. I can understand how a man unsure about his sexuality would be uncertain of what to make of finding other men attractive, but once you become more secure in who you are you’ll realise which way you swing.
Why am I experiencing sexual urges toward attractive men?
If you’re experiencing sexual urges when you look at certain guys then it may mean you are gay. During my college days, I knew a guy who was, by all means, gay, but he HATED the word “gay”. He would react aggressively if someone implied he was gay. Every time I asked him how he identified himself if not gay, he’d just mumble and look uncomfortable. Clearly, he hadn’t come to terms with his own sexuality. But, if you feel the same way, you should.
Is it lust? But… Why for the same sex?
Every time Rohit goes away, on business or holiday, he is strongly attracted to men other than his wife. The problem is men find Rohit very attractive, too. Is he addicted to lust? The DILEMMA is Rohit is in my early 30s and has been in a stable, loving marriage for six years. He is not flirtatious, yet people seem to respond to something intangible he carries into a room. It’s flattering, but he has never cheated on his other half. Sometimes, he feels he will go crazy if he can never kiss or make love to another man again.
What do you make of this? I personally feel Rohan is bisexual. He has been socially conditioned to find women attractive simply because he belongs to a JAAT family where guys are supposed to be high on testosterone. At this age when he is happily married, his suppressed desire to find anyone other than of opposite sex attractive is reeking out. He can’t help, but stare at other guys who seem to give him a body shaking organism… something he has been missing in his marriage for the last 2 years.
I’m attracted to men and it feels like a fetish
Being a man if you find older women hot, that’s a fetish. But, if you are having sexual urges toward men, that’s not a fetish; it goes beyond a mere fling. If the prospect of never making out with another man is going to drive you over the edge, it can’t be just fetish. Find a local LGBTQ support group around you. A therapist aligned with these support groups will help you unearth what it means to be gay.
Overcome the curious absence of self-awareness. Either you are terribly naive or deliberately misrepresenting your sexuality. Being in a marriage or long-term relationship with a girl doesn’t lobotomize the part of your brain that deals with physical attraction. Just make sure your hunger for fleeting pleasures isn’t blinding your work life. If you decide to come out, bear in mind that it might not be a deal-breaker for your social life as you expect. Some people prefer honesty to perfection.
In the end, I just hope you learn who you are. Just don’t let the bigots make the world a trying place for you. They’re the ones who have a problem, not you.