All honest relationships share one rule – “no secrets”, but sometimes this rule gets broken. I know all about breaking rules because I was married when I unexpectedly fell in love with a hunky basketball player from my housing society. Though I never confessed my fondness to the guy in question ever, something shifted inside my head after this experience. I went from thinking I was straight to knowing I was always gay. I suddenly understood why I could never have sex with my wife keeping the light on. And, it was also not far understood from me why I always pictured a man while getting intimate with my wife. I understood why during my teenage, I playfully touched my **** while seeing my lean, smooth, naked body in the mirror.
But before I had this moment of truth, by most measures, my marriage was good. My wife and I were best friends and had a fair sex life. Right before I came out to my wife, there was no way she could suspect my inner sexual conflict.
I am just one example; many gay men just like me believe they are too straight to be gay. We can blame India’s social conditioning for that or the kind of pressure an aging closeted gay man experiences from his family, friends and/or relatives. Having said that, it’s never too late to come out and live your life on your terms. So, if you are a married Indian man who has had some sexually conflicting thoughts lately, read this blog. See why should you come out to your wife and what is the right way to do it.
Are you straight or gay? Read these red flags
You’ve had your suspicions. Maybe your spouse’s normal sexual appetite is considered excessive by you, or you may don’t always want to have anything to do with your spouse sexually. Maybe you have become more and more secretive and moody and you notice you are looking at guys in a different way. If this keeps happening to you, discover the truth. You are either gay or bisexual.
Coming out as a married Indian gay man
When a married gay man comes out, a third of his marriage breaks up immediately. Some couples stay together for one to two years and then split while some try to make their marriages work. Whatever the fate of your marriage is, be ready to face consequences. If you are married with children, be careful how you tell your children. You may need professional guidance to deal with the entire coming out process.
There is no question that learning her husband is gay or bisexual can be traumatic for the wife in the relationship. So, make sure, your wife doesn’t feel sexually rejected or grow damaged sexual self-esteem. You must come out at the right time, using the right words, not putting blame on anyone, but you.
A Word From Blued
Although the trauma of being a gay spouse can be overwhelming, understand that the situation you got yourself into is not entirely your fault. The first few days after coming out will probably be the toughest as you acknowledge complicated feelings and decide how to move forward. These decisions may mean the end of your marriage. However, it’s important not to isolate you and seek out professional help.
Having said that, you don’t always have to assume that your marriage is over! Some straight/gay marriages are happy unions. Don’t let the sense of betrayal your spouse feels (which is an expected response) take away from the good times and the positive memories.